Lists, Glorious Lists

Had enough of shopping lists? Here are a couple of lists that'll lift the corners of your mouth rather than flatten your wallet. With credit to Snagsta.com - Your favourite things. Sorted.



Children Writing About the Ocean

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3)  If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Andy, age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie,age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9)  I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat a**. (Julie, age 7)

14) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7) 

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When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued.

1. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Clarence Darrow

2. Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease. "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli 

3. Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.  

Moses Hadas

4. I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.
Stephen Bishop 

5. He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
Forrest Tucker 

6. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

7. He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
Samuel Johnson 

8. In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
Charles, Count Talleyrand 

9. She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
An exchange between Lady Astor and Churchill

10. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? 

Mark Twain

11. He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

12. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill 

13. He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
Paul Keating 

14. I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.  

Mark Twain

15. I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one.
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill 

16. His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West

17. They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
Thomas Brackett Reed 

18. Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one.  

Winston Churchill, in response.

19. He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
Robert Redford 

20. There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Jack E. Leonard 

21. Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? 

 Ernest Hemingway... (about William Faulkner) 

22. He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
William Faulkner... (about Ernest Hemingway)

23. He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
John Bright 

24. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde 

25. He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Billy Wilder 

26. A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
Winston Churchill 

27. He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.  

Abraham Lincoln 

28. I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb 

29. "He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr 

30. He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
Oscar Wilde

Favorites? My favorite among the children's sayings is #8 about the mermaids, especially from a six-year-old girl. Among the insults, Winston Churchill is right up there near the top, but my hat's off to #27 about the most words, from Abraham Lincoln. Gee, I wish I'd said that.